It has been a long long time since my last post and I am pleased to say that isn’t because I have been too poorly to write anything, quite the contrary…
Life since explant has been a bumpy journey. There have been really dark dark days, where I struggled with the idea that my implants were the true cause of my broken body, battling with the uncertainty of how my health would be from one day to the next as the pain bore down on me physically and mentally. I have cried many buckets, spent hours in the bath soaking my pain ridden body and felt the urge on many occassions to leave this life. I have powered through the pain to get my children fed, sort their laundry and cart them from A to B with a fake smile on my face so they weren’t to know the true depth of my silent suffering. There were also days where I simply couldn’t hide it, too mentally exhausted to cope.
Then there were the amazing days where I felt empowered that I had made the right decision to ignore the rheumatologists and doctors warnings / pushy advice. Lapping up the incredible feeling that I was winning and making headway in my healing and enjoying being ‘me’ again. Having more energy than I knew what to do with and regaining my confidence to actually make plans and… have FUN!!
Looking back now, the first year was definitely the worst year. That light at the end of the tunnel was so so tiny but this is what I focused on intently when the days were crappy. I also had a rather large point to prove, to Dr X and any other doubters, that I knew my body better than them, that was for sure. Sometimes that annoying competitive streak comes in handy…
The second year went by quite quickly even though I was still nervous and untrusting of my body. We certainly had a love/hate relationship. I always worried when it was going to let me down again, shove me in bed or scupper plans I had been looking forward to. When these moments arose, I always then looked back at what I’d had to eat and drink previously. Had I not slept properly? did I do something different from the day/week before that had triggered this? It took me a long time through trial and error, to realise that actually, food wasn’t my foe. It was such a relief. I started eating again without the fear of what might happen. Don’t get me wrong, I still make sure I have certain vitamins and minerals, as after completing my first year of a Nutritional Therapy degree, I was far more aware of how to keep inflammation at bay and give my body what it needs to heal.
Then I started to travel again. Alone. Without my family there to support me. This was HUGE. All the fears came back. What if I was unable to walk or couldn’t dress myself because my arms felt broken??? I simply had to stop feeding the gremlins in my head, trust myself to move forward, and it really did pay off. Even though I had a niggle here and there, I coped AND I was actually living again. I even took my daughters, on my own as my husband was working, to Spain for a week. It was incredible. This was a massive turning point for me. The more I started to trust my body, the more we started to have a mutual respect for each other.
So now here I am two and a half years on. ALL my symptoms are GONE. I occasionally get some tendon pain, a bit like tendonitis. It can be in my hands or in my shoulders. This is definitely significant with my ‘lady time’ as I have subsequently found out that I am peri-menopausal. My mother was very young also when she went through her menopause and so I am confident that the two are connected. I very rarely take Naproxen. Maybe one or two around the monthly cycle pain. My next appointment with rheumatology is in February 2019. I honestly think I will be discharged. Which would quite simply be the best start to the rest of my life, EVER!!
I should have now been on Methotrexate, a chunky chemo drug for RA, for nearly 3 years. Can you imagine the state I would be in if I hadn’t listened to my inner guide, my gut instinct? I honestly don’t think I would be here any more. I had never felt so ill as I did Christmas 2015. I was walking like an old woman, hunched over and shuffling around. I had no energy, no sparkle whatsoever.
But now, there is no stopping me. I am a bundle of energy (bar the ladytime!) and having healed myself through changing my diet, having my gut and hair mineral analysis (so I knew what truly was going on inside me), lymphatic drainage, remedial massage, saunas and most of all holding on (sometimes by my fingertips) to the faith that I could heal myself because no one knows my body better than me and I have just proved that.
The one other amazing tool that has really helped me along my journey is a breathing technique introduced to me by the wonderful Rebecca Dennis and her beautiful book ‘And Breathe’. Transformational Breathworks is an incredible healing tool that helps your body to detox, heal and integrate past traumas that you have been through. I worked closely with Rebecca facilitating my breathing sessions in London and then attending workshops and retreats. This has been the final piece of the puzzle my body needed to fully recover from the stress and trauma my implants and the long journey to health had caused. I will write more about this beautfiul breathing tool in another post.
For anyone reading this post, that is just starting their healing journey, have faith in your gut feeling. Just trust that even though the light at the end of the tunnel is really bleak at times, I promise it will grow brighter with time and eventually you will emerge into the brightest, whitest light possible and like me will probably not even realise it at first, until you get the comments flooding in of ” you look incredible and so healthy” … thats when you will truly know that the journey is near the end.